MILLER: Confessions To Father B

IndyCar

MILLER: Confessions To Father B

Robin Miller hones his comedic chops at the expense of more than a few members of the IndyCar community.

Robin Miller | Posted April 28, 2011 Indianapolis, IN

Father B consoles his faithful subject Helio Castroneves. (LAT)

The scene: A nice Newell coach on the west side of Indianapolis in the parking lot of a Catholic church, where Indy car drivers came to confess their sins to the Rev. Brian Barnhart prior to departing for Brazil. It’s a busy day and Brian is feeling exceptionally forgiving.

Scott Dixon: Forgive me father B for I have sinned. I took the Lord’s name in vain when I got clobbered at St. Pete and once more when I was KO’d at Long Beach. Then I cussed Helio Castroneves several times and I questioned your compassion, heritage and IQ after Long Beach.

Father Barnhart: I understand Scott, we all have our bad days, except for me of course. Give me three Hail Marys and Four Good Ones next month at Indy.

Justin Wilson: Forgive me Father B for I have sinned. I should have simply pulled over or possibly levitated and let Helio pass me at Long Beach because I know he didn’t mean to spin me out and I’m sorry you’re catching so much grief for my mistake.

Father B: I was hoping you would see it that way, my son. I called Roger Penske on his cell phone right after you got spun out and he said that Helio was very sorry and had no idea he was that close to your gearbox. Give me two Hail Marys, One Atta Baby and Four Good Ones.

Paul Tracy: Hey $%#@*&^, what in the hell is your problem? You stole the Indy 500 from me in 2002 and now you’re interpreting my intent behind the wheel? My intent is what it’s always been: Use the Chrome Horn when necessary and Twinkle Toes did the same thing as me but I get penalized and he gets a free pass?

Father B: I’ve watched you for many years my son and you have a rage inside you that is obviously the work of the devil. RP said he tried to help you but gave up and Al Unser Jr. told me you needed psychiatric help. You were mistaken in 2002--that yellow light was on when you passed the Promised One, er Helio, and I only allowed a protest to show my fair-hearted ways. Now give me 11 Hail Marys, 43 I’m Sorrys and Four Good Ones.

Tracy: If we didn’t have this wall between us I’d choke you until you were Marlboro red. And if you try to shake my hand with that phoney pep talk before I go out to qualify, I’ll spit Rockstar in your face.

Father B: Oh dear, I will pray for you my son.

Ryan Hunter-Reay: Forgive me Father B but something has been bothering me since Alabama when you sent me to the back for avoidable contact with Ryan Briscoe. The last couple driver’s meetings you keep talking about no passing zones and I thought it was a joke until I saw your map at Long Beach.

Father B: Ryan my boy, it’s my job to make sure we don’t have any passing, crashing, close starts or risky driving. I only order single-file for that first lap at Indianapolis and it’s for your own good. We can’t have people trying to pass just anyplace they get the urge. It’s a good thing for Alex Zanardi I wasn’t calling the shots back in CART when he did that stupid thing at Laguna Seca. Nobody thought that was exciting and it would have NEVER happened in the old IRL. And I know that since you’ve had time to think about your move at Barber, you probably feel repentant.

RHR: No, I feel just as hosed as I did then.

Father B: Its understandable son, you’re still young and finding your way so just give me five Hail Michaels, three Go Danicas, two Sorry Ryans and Four Good Ones next month.

Will Power: Hey mate, I’m not sure what to call you in that outfit but I know what I called you on the radio at Long Beach. Helio ruined my race and Servia’s and Wilson’s and then you put him ahead of me on the restart. He’s crashed into 10 people in three races and got zero penalties. Why do you protect him?

Father B: Willy Boy, I crucified poor Helio at Edmonton last year with that stupid call about blocking and I’m just trying to make up for my lapse in judgment. You guys all liked me then but I don’t harbor grudges or play favorites. I only see things in black and white.

Power: Well color me pissed off.

Father B: No need for that kind of language, but I’m sure you’re a bit rattled because Dario is leading the points so it’s understandable. Just give me four Hail Marys, three Aussie-Aussie-Aussies and Four Good Ones next month.

Randy Bernard: Brian, good lord I’ve never seen so many nasty e-mails and upset people and you assured me this would quickly blow over. Everybody wants me to fire you but I still have your back and I supported you in the media but I’m not so sure that was a good idea.

Father B: Neither was the two-abreast restarts but I’ve been selling them to the drivers and the media because you made me so we’re even.

Bernard: Are you still mad because I brought in Tony Cotman to write the rules and babysit the new cars and engines?

Father B: No, I’m mad because you’re buddies with that Devil from SPEED but I will turn the other cheek once again. Now give me six Hail Marys, three Bronco Brads and a two-year contract extension.

Helio Castroneves: Forgive me father for I have run out of brakes a couple times this season and caused you great pain.

Father B: Bless you son, did you say brakes or brains?

HCN: Breaks, the last time I had a good one was in that Miami courtroom.

Father B: Well you have to be more careful; I can’t protect you like I have been or people are going to start talking. By the way, have you had your eyes checked lately?

HCN: Yes, I had to last week after Roger threw a AAA mug and hit me in the side of the head during our post-race meeting.

Father B: He was steamed?

HCN: Big time. He made me fly home commercial.

Father B: Well, thank god May is almost here so you’ll be back in his good graces. Providing you don’t win the pole and not lead a lap like last year.

HCN: Why would you say something so mean? You’re supposed to be comforting.

Father B: I’m sorry my son, that was cruel. Give me five Hail Marys, three Tim Cindrics, two Team Penskes and your fourth Indy 500 win. My 2002 ring is getting rusty.

Robin Miller brings 40 years of experience to his role as SPEED.com's senior open-wheel reporter, and serves as a frequent contributor to SPEED Center and Wind Tunnel with Dave Despain.

The opinions reflected herein are solely those of the above commentator and are not necessarily those of SPEED.com, FOX, NewsCorp, or SPEED